Day 17: The Power of Authenticity

I have always struggled with being a people pleaser.  The fear of what others thought of me literally paralyzed me for many, many years.

The past several years, being married to my biggest fan, have been incredibly healing.  As the layers of self-doubt and worthlessness have been peeled away, an incredible peace in who I was created to be has emerged.

3 years ago, while in Southern Africa with my hubby, God sweetly “arranged” for us to visit the hostel where I spent some of my younger years {where my dad was the vice principle of the girls school/hostel}, and where it turns out my sister and I had been been sexually abused by a worker when we were 4 and 5 years old .

Getting to work through my devastation, confusion and frustration alongside my husband set into motion the most incredibly deep reconstruction of my identity that I’ve ever experienced.  After years of stupid decisions and not understanding how a “good Christian girl” could fall so far from grace, closure came.  I had blocked out what had happened to me as a little girl and all I could see, looking back, was my filthy, foolish, worthless self.

My world was so profoundly rocked.

This experience 3 years ago has impacted every area of my life, and I’m so grateful the Lord orchestrated this divine event before we started a family.  Right before, in fact.  While I didn’t know it at the time, our little Alathea {meaning: Truth} Grace was growing in my belly.  It astounds me how, after years of dealing with the devastating effects of sexual corruption, God brought about healing in my life…and brought new life out of a place that had represented painful death {of innocence}. 

Isn’t He just sweet like that?

I have so enjoyed the journey the Lord has taken me on over the past couple of years.  While not always comfortable or pretty, it has stretched me and molded me into someone who more closely resembles the daughter of a King.

I am learning to rest in the knowledge that God made me this way, quirks and all, and until the day I am called home, I’m a work in progress.

I’m learning that the friends that matter in life love me just the way I am…and yet love me enough to not leave me this way.  They challenge me and encourage me, celebrate my growth and speak truth…even when it’s hard to hear.

I am learning that if I try to be someone other than who I am, I’m eventually going to get exhausted with the pretense and drop the show.  Why not just be real…those who will make quality friends will appreciate that authenticity.

I am learning that I don’t have the energy to be anything other than who I am.

I’m learning that true friendship is worth more than gold and temporary popularity.

I am learning that I sleep better at night when I know that I’ve been true to my heart and my faith, no matter how badly I may fit in at any given moment.

I’m learning that I’m simply a sinner saved by grace…and that’s all I care to be.

And that is a beautiful thing.

Day 16: 10 Words

God

is

more

interested

in

our

character

than

our

comfort

Day 15: What A Man!

We had our annual Christmas shots taken today by a lovely friend of ours.  Oh, the joy of bartering…I don’t recall the last time we paid for family photos.

And I must say…my sexy, bald husband knocks my socks off.  Especially in a black shirt and jeans.  Hmm mmm, good!

I’ve never seen such a beautiful combination of strength and tenderness in another human being.  Some how God has managed to mingle an incredibly compassionate heart {that aches for injustice and cries during chick flicks} with an uber manly man’s love for all things, well…manly {hunting, wrestling, farting and grunting}. 

I love the way my husband is strong, proud and professional when he needs to be, and yet can be so gentle and patient with his 2 year old daughter.

After putting our little one down for nap, he took me out for coffee.  Well, chai actually, but he had coffee.  We hit America’s most frequented church…St. Arbucks, and enjoyed each other’s company for an hour and a half, while our son slept in his car-seat on the table.

We shared about life in general, what the past {tough} 6 months have taught us…our struggles and our victories…occasionally glancing over at our miracle boy who, just over 3 months ago, was hooked up to numerous IVs that were ‘fighting’ to save his little life.

What a journey.

And I couldn’t imagine a more incredible man to have walked alongside.

I am blessed beyond what I could ever have dreamed possible.

This man steals my heart, over and over and over again.

We laughed, we cried, we enjoyed pumpkin bread, we reminisced about our dating days and early married life.  We dreamed about what our future may hold…maybe college, maybe a part-time position at semi-local Police Department {just heard about it today}…maybe moving {hopefully someday soon}. 

We stared quietly into each other’s eyes.  We thanked God for His strength, grace and provision that has been so incredibly evident in our lives over the past year.

It was the most precious time we’ve had “alone” together for a long time.

Our love tanks are officially topped-up.  Thank you very much.

My husband knocks my socks off.

Day 14: A Little Blurry

I love the way God uses simple, little things in our everyday lives to teach us profound stuff?  If, of course, we’ll listen.

I’m convinced God speaks constantly to our hearts, but there is so much noise and busyness clanging around in my mind that it drowns out the quiet, still voice in our hearts.

During this 40 day stint, one of my objectives is to intentionally listen for that voice a little harder…to be still and just listen. 

This is, as you can imagine, exceptionally hard for me.  I’m constantly talking to myself, and I’m sure I talk louder than God…unless, of course, He really wants me to hear something {then it’s pretty stinkin’ clear}. 

My mental chaos includes a cacophony of conversations: I rehearse things I want to say, I replay things other people have said, I complain, I celebrate, I plan, I fret, and I talk often to the Lord {the problem, however, with my conversations is they tend to be one-sided…I don’t usually wait for a reply.  I just run at the mouth}.

I believe God frequently uses people, scripture, our kids, nature and a myriad of other things to communicate precious nuggets and convicting truths to our hearts.

For instance…this morning when I grabbed my camera to snap some shots of Alathea about to experience her first snowfall as a vivacious toddler.  She had shrieked at the sight of the beautiful snow and was out on the deck, in her slippers, before she’d even gotten dressed or had breakfast. 

She was tickled pink.  Literally.  She was pink from the cold when she finally staggered back inside.

As soon as I turned the camera on I recalled being disappointed at how blurry some shots I’d taken the day before had turned out.  While playing with them in photoshop I wondered…was it the lighting?  Was it the way the sun was hitting her face?  Did I bump the contrast or saturation toggle up too high?

And then it hit me…turn the camera around and look at the lens.

Sure enough, my little lady had been doing some self-portraiture and, with no concept of distance, had held the camera right up to her face, resulting in the nose grease on the lens.  Slap in the middle, causing that annoying blur on my photos.

Immediately I felt as though the Lord was showing me something about myself.

I’m often aware of little irritations or frustrations about silly things in my life…but these are simply symptoms to a deeper problem.

I have a little grease on my lens and it dramatically effects the way I view life, and often, people.  If I’m willing to let The Cameraman clean that lens for me, it will have a tremendous impact on the way I process the information that lens filters for me, without the blur. 

While I’m looking in the camera bag…I’m needing to get rid of a few heavily-used lenses: the greasy, blurry lens of judgment {the one that seems to pick up error in what I see…without acknowledging the yucky sludge on my end}, the green lens of envy, and the red lens of selfishness, just to mention a few.

In fact, I’m asking Him to replace them with one of those sparkly, special-effects lenses…you know the one, it puts big stars wherever it picks up light? 

His God goggles, if you will. 

Wouldn’t that be awesome?  To see people and situations the way He does…it would change everything!  And would rock my world.

So, that’s what I’m working on right now…and I’m taking courage in Philippians 1:6…”there has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.”

I’m beyond thrilled that He’s far from finished with me!  And I’m even more appreciative of the fact that He is so incredibly patient and gracious in the process.

In that case…bring in on! 

{click, click, click}

Day 13: Simplicity

Today is a little of a blur.  A good blur, but a blur none the less.

We attended the funeral of our sweet John this morning and were astounded, and yet not surprised, at the turn-out.  Talk about a loved man.  I think every major law enforcement agency within a 20 mile radius was represented there.  Not because they had to be, he was simply a security guard at Sparrow Hospital for 25 years, but because he made his mark on those around him.

Besides more processing on what legacy I would leave behind if the Lord chose to take me home today…I was newly thankful for the simplicity of my faith.

I’m thankful for relationship over religion.

I’m thankful for peace over anxiety.

I’m thankful for rest over works.

I’m thankful for the simplicity of the Gospel.

I’m thankful for raw praise and worship over lyrics I don’t understand.

I’m thankful for the profound simplicity of Jesus dying for my sins so I could spend eternal life with him…and not wondering whether I could do enough good works, utter enough religious words and attend church often enough to get my foot in the door of heaven.

I’m thankful for the peace that comes from knowing nothing I do could cause God to love me any more…or love me any less.

I’m thankful for the celebration of life versus the mourning of death.  Despite my heartache over our loss.

I’m thankful for the ability to fix my eyes on Jesus without the need to pay tribute to the woman who bore him, although I’m sure she was an amazing person.

I’m thankful for freedom and joy over stiff tradition.

I’m just plain ol’ thankful.

Jesus is my homeboy.

And I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Day 12: Snow-Lady Lessons

Isn’t it astounding how things change when you become a parent?  Your world is turned upside down, inside out, topped with a cherry and a sprinkle of dirt for good measure.

Things like boogers and vomit and poop don’t make you want to keel over and die any more. 

Simple things like leaves, pebbles and bugs now catch your eye as you strive to instill a wonder in creation, and an awe for the Creator, in the heart of your child. 

How absolutely furious you can be…only to melt moments later because of a simple, sweet…”I sorry mommy, I kiss you heart better?”. 

How the entire world can screech to a halt as you hand your incredibly sick baby over to the Lord…and over to the ER staff.

How sleep deprived you can be…and still function.  Well, scratch that.

How your very body can nourish another for 9 months within, and even more once outside.

How empowering and beautiful childbirth can be.

How you look back at life before children and wonder what the heck you did with all that free time…and why you didn’t appreciate your body before it got stretched out and jiggly {and your boobs while they were still perky, before they had the life literally sucked out of them!}.

While there are indeed times that I do not enjoy it in the least bit, I really do ADORE being a mom.

It is filled with lessons.

I have been amazed at the things God is teaching me lately through my daughter – simple things she does, silly things she says. 

I’m discovering how intensely He must love me and want to lavish His provision in my life – as I fall head-over-heels in love with my children each day.  And I’m just human.  How much more pure and extravagant His love for us must be!

How desperately He longs for me to get it, to grasp His heart on matters of patience, obedience, forgiveness and grace…how while I don’t see things clearly from my limited perspective, He does and I can rest in the knowledge that He wants what’s best for me, even if it means denying me what I want right now.  In the same way I know chocolate and marshmallows do not constitute a nutritious breakfast, despite what she may feel.

How discipline and correction really do represent His love for me and desire to protect me.  After all…we work hard at being gracious and consistent in discipline because we want her to succeed in this life.

I am particularly excited for this Christmas and Winter.  If you ask Ali, she’ll tell you why…”going to build b-i-g snowman”.  Snow-lady, actually.  I’m pathetically excited about this project and simply cannot wait for the heavens to shower us with little, white flakes.

I will, of course, regret this declaration the moment I have to unearth my car and drive it on Michigan roads.  But until then…I am planning her {snow-lady} outfit…her facial features…her personality.  She’s gonna rock!

Yeah.  I don’t get out that much.

I realize my excitement this year, over last, is because she’s one year older…she’s so much fun, so verbal, and has a great sense of adventure.  She’s going to love every minute of snow this winter.  And I fully intend to delight in it with her.

And it was while pondering my fresh anticipation for this season that I realized…God is newly excited for us as we enter  seasons of our lives {usually, a “Winter"}…because we’ve grown and matured…and we get to tackle things with a fresh perspective.  We are equipped during the Summer and Fall for what we encounter in the Winter.  It’s just the nature of things.

Today was one of those exciting graduations in thought.  I’ve always struggled with being a people pleaser, fearful of stepping on toes and risking ticking people off…even if it meant not telling the whole truth. 

I’ve spent most of my life being completely and utterly terrified of confrontation. 

I recall Joe and I having our first fight within the first 5 months of marriage, and me being totally petrified that it was officially over.  Because it always had been in the past.  Confrontation = relationship over. 

But as I’ve grown over the past 6 years, with tremendous help from my hubby in this area, I’ve learned that confrontation is a wonderful thing…when done correctly.

When you have the right people in your life, confrontation simply represents passion…passionate people are going to butt heads…but it’s in the confrontation that you refine and perfect the problem…and your relationship.

I have discovered, over the past few years, the value of true friends.  I’ve learned that it’s the ones who stick with you, through thick and thin, through {mental} sickness and in health, through moments of stupidity and brilliance, that are the ones you want to invest in.

Quite frankly, I no longer have time to walk on eggshells with people, to coddle and stumble over words for fear of offending people. 

And this is incredibly freeing to have realized.

I have grown to adore the women in my life who I can simply be me with, knowing that when I’m out of line, they will lovingly call me out on it…or get over it, knowing my heart well enough to overlook my temporary filter malfunction.

It is these women that I long to grow old alongside. 

I can be so excited about something small that I sound like a retard…and they celebrate with me.

I can be painfully real and honest with them, knowing they know my heart too well to be offended.  It’s a safe place to just be raw.  As I said to a precious friend this morning…”I value you too much to mince words and risk misunderstanding”.

They inspire…they challenge…they motivate…they stretch…they confront…they encourage…they laugh…they cry…they love.

It is these relationships that I treasure with all my heart.

Where does parenting revelation and this kind of friendship intersect, you ask?

As I walk through this awkward season of my life…completely and utterly in limbo…I just sense the Father celebrating with me, eager for me to taste the sweetness and richness of these times with the magnificent women he’s placed in my life. 

Deep, lovely connectedness.  For such a time as this. 

Friendship this authentic and intense is totally new to me – like the new understanding of a 2 year old that snow is sticky and can create fabulous, large people with carrots for noses and stones for eyes. 

I’ve never allowed myself to be this vulnerable, and so never before have felt this safe, accepted and enjoyed.  It is incredibly refreshing and life-giving.

This is the Father’s delight for me, like mine for my daughter’s first real experience of snow…and snow-women. 

What a difference one year can make.  While the “seasons” of life can differ greatly in length from the actual seasons of the year…I delight in knowing we’re guaranteed the new life Spring brings after the “death” of a Winter.

I’m older, more “seasoned” than I was…and it’s going to be a most delightful journey.

Here’s to my {snow} lady friends…what a treat you are to my heart!

Day 11: He Loves Me More

It’s been a Christmassy, estrogen-fest of a day! 

Glorious in most every way.

I’m a part of a Mom2Mom group that meets every Tuesday morning.  We enjoy breakfast, a teaching, and sharing/prayer…all while our children are being watched by other, non-family women.  I call it my “mommy spa for the soul”.  I love it with every inch of my being.  If you ask me to do something on a Tuesday morning, my answer will be no.  I have Mom2Mom.  And that’s it.

I did not eat the little sugary muffins that were shrieking my name, but rather indulged in the grapes and egg-casserole that softly murmured their nutritional content.  Despite pouring a cup of decaf coffee for myself, like I do every week, I did not partake, choosing instead to politely put it down and walk away.
We made fantasmigorical Christmas centerpieces this morning, a fun breakaway from our usual routine.  Mine was pimped with lime green Christmas bulbs & florist’s wire, silver sticks, glitter and a bright pink bow.  It makes me deliriously happy.  I think I’m going to be making more of these.  It was ridiculously easy…and made my heart flutter with excitement.  I’m a sucker for creative projects, can you tell? 
Anyone need a funky floral arrangement?

I got to spend the afternoon catching up with a girlfriend {who has a son just 7 weeks older than ours}, while our hubbies worked on their truck. 

I jumped at the opportunity to photograph our adorable 2 year old outside in this gorgeous weather…she’s so fun.

And then this evening, I discovered how much more the Lord loves me over my mother.  Let me explain…

On the way up to Alma, to a women’s Christmas tea, my mom was commiserating with me over the fact that I would have to eat desserts this evening.  As though I had no choice but to break the commitment I had made to forgo sugar/desserts just 11 short days ago.  After all, I couldn’t just sit there, amidst all the delicious desserts sure to drown us, and not indulge…with our host, who invited us and paid for us, sitting right there.  That would just be rude. 

But no, I argued…God loved me and would “hook me up”. 

And indeed He did.

It’s just a pity He loves me more than her…as she clearly got the short end of the stick.

While we were certainly surrounded with sinfully decadent desserts…chocolatey goodness, lemon bars, coconut deliciousness and the likes...they all resided nicely on other tables.  We couldn’t help but notice that the spread on the other 20+ tables was very unlike the ours.  Our table was lavishly decked out with…carrots, celery, broccoli, spring onions, cherry tomatoes, cheese, crackers, and some {rather sad looking} sugar cookies. 

See, I told you.  He loves me more.

Although dealing with heavy Tim Horton’s cravings, I’m doing pretty stinking well.  With the sugar and coffee part of this journey.  My heart, on the other hand, needs work.  I seem to have just created a new normal.  By that I mean, I’m adjusting to living without sugar and coffee, and by not being so painfully aware of it’s absence, I’m failing to focus on God in the deeper way I had intended.

I want to work on being still and listening for His quiet voice more.  It’s astounding when I do how I say less stupid, pointless {and sometimes, hurtful} things…and say more profound, life-giving things at the right time, to the right person. 

I heard once that because we’re spiritual beings living in a very “fleshy” world, that we actually have to reset our default setting from “flesh” mode to “spirit” mode.  I want to intentionally do this every morning.  I want my days to be intentional and purposeful, but without having a mind reset to an eternal perspective, I miss so much of what goes on in the unseen realm. 

Life is so much more than what we see and touch.

I’m bowled-over by the fact that the God we serve, the one who created our inmost being…not to mention this stunning world we live in, knows everything there is to know about us, and has a divine purpose for every single day that there is breath in our lungs. 

How many days we waste wrapped up in unimportant, superficial stuff?  Our busyness is so incredibly counter-productive to the fruitfulness we’re called to.

When will I get this?  When will I realize that by grasping this concept, my world will be radically changed?  The mundane will become magical.  The dry seasons I hate will become the training and equipping seasons I need to have an impact.  This is what I crave.  A deeper understanding of why we were created, how our lives majestically intertwine for higher purposes, how we have been given the opportunity ~ the daily choice ~ to live each moment which the knowledge that we’re supernaturally equipped to change our worlds.  The world on a small scale, within our marriages and families, to the larger scale of our neighborhoods, communities and circles of influence.

While thinking of the incredible legacy our beloved friend, John, left behind…I’m forced to ask myself this: if the Lord called me home tonight, what would I have to show for my 28 years on this earth, for the last year/month/week/day of my life?  How did I leave my mark?  Was is predominantly a self-absorbed, superficial life…or a profoundly selfless, inspiring one?  Who’s life did I contribute joy to?  Who did I hurt and cause to stumble?  Who’s destiny did I affect? 

What legacy will I leave?

I want to be the kind of woman who, when putting my feet on the ground each morning, makes the devil say…”oh crap, she’s up”.

So, this is my goal for these remaining 29 days…to lose myself so deeply in Christ that those who come in contact with me will have no choice but to encounter the grace, goodness and sweetness of the One in whom I rest. 

And it is for this reason I no longer pull into the parking lot of Tim Hortons.

{Even though He loves me more}