On Your Marks…Get Set…

It’s Friday the 20th of November.  Tomorrow is the first day of my 40 day adventure.  I’m excited.  I’m terrified.  And everything in between.  I’m full of anticipation for what lays ahead, and yet at the same time, guarded because I feel that failure is inevitable.

But, I suppose that’s where God meets us.  I’ve always heard that if what you’re dreaming about isn’t impossible, it’s too small.  If I can accomplish something on my own, there’s no need – or room, even – for God to play His glorious part.  I’m ready for that to change.  I’m tired of small and predictable, safe and comfortable.  I want big, I want exciting, I want risky…I want RADICAL.

So…what’s the deal with all of this?  Why am I “pursuing the radical”, and what on earth does that mean anyway?  Well, I’m so glad you asked.

At 5:00 o’clock in the morning 3 days ago – while usually blurry eyed and half asleep while nursing Aiden – I was wide awake and stunningly aware of something sweet going on inside my heart.  It’s been a wild and crazy year and I’ve been processing a lot of things, some of them sweet and transforming in nature, others…well, not so sweet.  I’m disheartened by how easily, over the past 5 months {while living with my parents while my husband has been laid off}, my attitude has slipped from excited and thankful, to envious and ungrateful.  My heart, initially filled with hope and passion, has hardened and become sour.  No, not all the time.  I realize I’m not a dreadful person, and while it may not seem like it – I really am not feeling “down on myself” - I just don’t want to settle in and live here.  There’s grace for camping out at the ugly heart site for a while, but it’s not where I want to stay.

It’s time to move on!

While nursing quietly in the living room, I sensed it was time for me to really hone in on changing some areas of my life.  Everything from my body and mind to my attitude and spirit are in need of some radical change.  My roles as wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, designer, not to mention daughter-of-the-King, are all affected when something is amiss in my life.  They all suffer.  But, in order to actually remember to work on certain habits and mindsets rather than just go about my day as usual, I felt I needed to give something up.  A physical expression of the ribbon tied on a finger…a reminder that I should be doing something.  In essence, a fast, although because I felt I needed to journal it {and fasts should be done without broadcasting it to the world}…I’m choosing to not call it that.

The bargaining began.  Sugar came to mind.  I’m a sucker for sweets right now {nursing does me in}.  I, in fact, have no self-control whatsoever.  While inhaling a mini chocolate bar I will be unwrapping the next one in case, God forbid, there be a laps in time where no chocolate is melting on my tongue.  Actually that’s a lie…there’s no time for it to melt.  I chew and swallow it.  I don’t even suck and enjoy it.  I devour it like a rabid animal.  It’s pitiful, really.  The fact that I’ve gained 5 pounds since my initial baby-weight-loss is a dead giveaway of the fact that my sweet teeth {notice, not “’tooth”} are insatiable.  So, I decided to give up sugar for this 40 day period.  And…as though that were not enough…God brought to mind my other vice.  Coffee.  What?  You wouldn’t!  Now…you must know, I’ve been a crazy tea drinker my entire life.  It’s the South African in me.  My parents gave us tea in our baby bottles.  I now drink 2 – 6 cups of it a day.  But my sweet husband and his wicked coffee-brewing skillz have turned me into a wild coffee drinking mama.  I cannot get enough.  And the fact that it’s not even caffeinated makes me laugh.  Why am I so stinking addicted to this stuff.  So I tried begging…please let me keep the coffee…and He said no.  To this I declared {quietly, of course…seeing no other person is up talking to themselves at 5 in the morning}, “but that’s radical!”.  And that’s when it clicked.  Radical change brings about radical change.  And the idea for this journey began brewing inside my heart.  So yes, sugar and coffee it is.  For 40 days. 

There are so many things I want to work on in my life, and so many things I want to see change {on the inside and on the outside, including our job/living situation}, so instead of griping and whining about it all… I’ve decided to commit 40 days to working on them, praying about them, tackling them, and laying some of them down.  I’m ridiculously excited because I truly believe that radical change will bring about radical change in my life.

So, if you’re reading this, welcome to my journey.  I’m not really journaling for anyone other than myself.  I don’t like writing much – after two lines my hand cramps up.  Pitiful, I know.  But I’m just so much more comfortable with typing – and can type faster than I write – so here I go!  Not to mention the unspoken accountability that comes with making something like this public.  I discovered while journaling Aiden’s journey how incredibly therapeutic it was…my heart felt lighter and more at peace as I poured it out on “paper”.  Aiden’s journey deeply touched so many lives – if even one life will benefit from these 40 days of ramblings – be challenged or inspired by my sweet mess of a life, redeemed by grace – then it will be worth it.

My sweet hubby came home today with a gift for us…the Love Dare book from the movie “Fireproof”.  He was delighted {and cutely proud of himself} that it was a 40 day journey for a husband and wife.  Talk about a perfect compliment to this adventure.  I love that my man is not only supporting me in this, but joining me in my pursuit of the radical…a radical marriage.

My 40 day journey begins tomorrow, November 21st, and will end on December 31st, 2009. 

I am, understandably so, deliriously excited for 2010 to begin. 

I adore new beginnings. 

2010 is going to be a rad{ical} year!