Day 17: The Power of Authenticity

I have always struggled with being a people pleaser.  The fear of what others thought of me literally paralyzed me for many, many years.

The past several years, being married to my biggest fan, have been incredibly healing.  As the layers of self-doubt and worthlessness have been peeled away, an incredible peace in who I was created to be has emerged.

3 years ago, while in Southern Africa with my hubby, God sweetly “arranged” for us to visit the hostel where I spent some of my younger years {where my dad was the vice principle of the girls school/hostel}, and where it turns out my sister and I had been been sexually abused by a worker when we were 4 and 5 years old .

Getting to work through my devastation, confusion and frustration alongside my husband set into motion the most incredibly deep reconstruction of my identity that I’ve ever experienced.  After years of stupid decisions and not understanding how a “good Christian girl” could fall so far from grace, closure came.  I had blocked out what had happened to me as a little girl and all I could see, looking back, was my filthy, foolish, worthless self.

My world was so profoundly rocked.

This experience 3 years ago has impacted every area of my life, and I’m so grateful the Lord orchestrated this divine event before we started a family.  Right before, in fact.  While I didn’t know it at the time, our little Alathea {meaning: Truth} Grace was growing in my belly.  It astounds me how, after years of dealing with the devastating effects of sexual corruption, God brought about healing in my life…and brought new life out of a place that had represented painful death {of innocence}. 

Isn’t He just sweet like that?

I have so enjoyed the journey the Lord has taken me on over the past couple of years.  While not always comfortable or pretty, it has stretched me and molded me into someone who more closely resembles the daughter of a King.

I am learning to rest in the knowledge that God made me this way, quirks and all, and until the day I am called home, I’m a work in progress.

I’m learning that the friends that matter in life love me just the way I am…and yet love me enough to not leave me this way.  They challenge me and encourage me, celebrate my growth and speak truth…even when it’s hard to hear.

I am learning that if I try to be someone other than who I am, I’m eventually going to get exhausted with the pretense and drop the show.  Why not just be real…those who will make quality friends will appreciate that authenticity.

I am learning that I don’t have the energy to be anything other than who I am.

I’m learning that true friendship is worth more than gold and temporary popularity.

I am learning that I sleep better at night when I know that I’ve been true to my heart and my faith, no matter how badly I may fit in at any given moment.

I’m learning that I’m simply a sinner saved by grace…and that’s all I care to be.

And that is a beautiful thing.