Day 27: Pulling Weeds

It is 7:45 am, I am on my 3rd cup of tea, and am enjoying my second quiet morning to myself in a row.

The closing prayer in the devotional this morning ends with, “help me to realize that however hard their message is to hear, they are sent for my good – to point out the holes in my character I am so blind in seeing and to pick out the weeds in my heart I am so fond of protecting…”

The weed-pulling messenger, last night, was my husband.

As we snuggled up in bed together he sweetly said, “honey, I need to talk to you about something”.

UUachggh! was my exact thought.

He continued with a gentle, and yet firm, pointing out of something in my demeanor and attitude over the past couple of weeks that has grieved him.

Oddly enough, I had been thinking about this earlier {as I did it} and it grieves me too.  And, sadly enough, it has been an issue for much, much longer than a few weeks.

While I’m generally a patient, gracious person… I seem to boycott those characteristics for less tender ones when dealing with my mother.  Not always.  But often enough for it to need to be dealt with.

I don’t know why I do it, or what triggers the mean-spirited responses to simple comments that undoubtedly leave her feeling stupid or small.  I’m aware of my attitude the entire time, and even twinge at the snippy remarks that seems to shoot from my mouth, and yet struggle to stop the onslaught.

This is my mum.  My beloved mother who birthed me and raised me, sacrificing time and time again to give us the best childhood possible.  Of course she wasn’t perfect.  But who is?  But she was, and is, a stellar mother, a stunning example of a wife, and an incredible expression of a woman after God’s heart.

Why, oh why, do I stoop to this level?  And with her of all people.

I have found that it is the people closest to us – the ones we love most – that we can be least loving to.  Is it the safety of knowing that they will stick around despite the treatment that leads us to believe that this behavior is okay?  Or at least, tolerable?

I find that I can push, and push, and then push a little more, just to see whether someone will ‘man up’ and push back.  It’s as though I just want to know whether I can push them to the point of them putting their foot down and declaring, “ENOUGH!  It is NOT okay that you treat me this way and I will no longer stand for it”.

The only other person that I’ve done this with/to {to this degree}, was the poor guy I was engaged to 10 years ago {another post for another day}.

It breaks my heart that such a magnificent woman would bring out such an ugly side of me.  With no fault on her.

So it’s time to dig deep.  I need the Lord to show me what the root of this ugliness is so I can deal with it and get on with loving and honoring my mother the way I should. 

The way I would want my daughter to treat me.

I am so thankful for a husband who loves me so entirely, and yet who has the balls {excuse my French} to call me out when I am wrong. 

I love that he loves me so ridiculously much.  And I love that he loves me too much to allow me to get complacent with the way I am.  He faithfully and tenderly helps me tackle the issues that arise in my character as we walk through life together.  And he is receptive to the {tactful} pointing out of his own issues. 

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
{Proverbs 27:17}

This is all a part of God’s glorious plan in marriage: to refine each other, to stretch each other, to challenge one another to grow in grace and glory.  To be refined to the point of more accurately reflecting the image of the Creator.

The musician Sting put it perfectly while being interviewed and talking about his wife {who he is just smitten by}…“You know, what I mean, you could say, 'I love Trudie,' but that's a given," Sting said. "I really like this woman. When she walks into the room, my world lights up."

Yes, I love my husband.  So much more now than I did 7 years ago when I first fell in love with him {and I recall thinking…how is it possible to love this boy any more?!?}. 

But the key is…I like him!  I adore spending time with this incredible man.  He is a true delight to my heart.  I enjoy his company more than any other person alive.  I have never been sick of spending time with him {despite spending 5 weeks travelling through Southern Africa with him and not being apart for more than a few hours}.  He is completely and utterly, no doubt about it, my best friend in the entire world.  I appreciate him.  I admire him.  I respect him.  I totally have the hots for him.  I am thankful for his ability to bring out the best in me…while tenderly pointing out the worst in me. 

I like him.  Very much indeed!

So with his help I will be working on my attitude towards my mum.  I have asked him to hold me accountable to speak to her with respect, with patience and with love {no matter how many times she asks me the same question}. 

I’m praying that the Lord will reveal the root of this heart issue in me.  I trust Him to rip out the ugliness {gently, please Lord?} and soften my heart towards this beautiful woman.

I know there is so much more to this weed than what meets the eye.  There always is.  And I’m looking forward to having it’s unsightly presence {and damaging hold} removed from the soil of my heart’s garden.

I’m excited.  I’m anxious.  I’m hesitant.  I’m not in the mood to be introspective.  I’m not feeling like delving into the depths of my mental basement.  But I want it gone.

So…buckle your seatbelts, folks…here we go!